Wow - are we ever in a season of being stirred in our spirits! For the past couple of years, we have just been languishing, yearning, feeling empty and frankly -purposeless. To imagine Christ's return and standing before Him fruitless and empty-handed was haunting me. Having my biggest, most obvious purposeful activity coming to an end as Ben graduated from high school hit me hard! What next? I busied myself gathering weeds and learning about their medicinal qualities just to achieve some kind of level of purpose (improving myself through learning something that could serve my family's needs). It sure wasn't spirit-filled, though!
David and I were able to spend time on PEI seeking God this summer and I rejoiced at being delivered while there from an idolatry of sorts. The notion of motherhood as my only viable purposeful venture in life had been consuming me to where I was basically nonfunctional and unable to serve my husband or God. Thanks to Tom for preaching the true Word of God! After that liberation, I foolishly thought that since my affections had been redirected I could still attempt to hold the wood or metal of the idol without it affecting me. So we got back into the foster care adoption scene again after having left it the previous January.
Enter a growing lack of peace, confusion, distractions and a drivenness that revolved almost every thought of every day around the adoption proceedings (or lack thereof!). The idol was consuming me again and I wasn't really seeing - but I was very aware of a distance growing between the Lord and myself. First thing on my mind in the morning and last thing on my mind at night was "The Search." I was really getting to be a mess! Last week, in the midst of processing great discouragement, I walked our long driveway alone at night and cried out to God for help. One thing I know from His Word is that He hears me and answers when I cry for help - and so He did.
At some point after that prayer, I happened upon a WV 'hoopie' transferred here by the burgeoning gas well work -in Wal Mart (He asked me if an onion chopper would slice potatoes!). I found out he was a believer and boldly (very unlike myself) invited him for dinner. So David called him and he came over for Sunday dinner. Well, this man who can't read knows the word of God inside and out! He wound up giving me a prophetic exhortation that just sent me from conviction to repentance to deliverance!
The gist of what the Mr. WV had to say was: We're all in a battle. Our enemy looks for our weak point so he can make the move to disable us for the kill. My weak point is fear and he has capitalized on it. Fear of an empty house, fear of an unfruitful future, fear of being purposeless standing with my hands empty before the Lord. Indeed, all this adoption pursuit was borne out of that fear. Our new WV friend exhorted me about being content with what I have (being discontent is a big root for me, feeling like I don't have enough kids), judging myself by the Word of God in the meantime, being faithful in His Word and living according to what He reveals - and waiting on God. He has our future in store, I don't need to design it for Him. He paused at one point and said, "You two are so blessed. There is peace and LOVE (said with an emphatic WV twang!)in this home! God has given you so much that is of value! The key for you two right now is to continue in obedience and wait." And so I rest! No more chasing after kids!
I giggled in giddy glee at an adoption worker's conclusion yesterday that our homestudy was deplorably useless. (A lot of our stress was coming from working with an inept agency - which had providentially just been very much revealed!) It was just a confirmation and I was happy to hear it. God is so faithful and I just praise Him for His ever-so-personal care of our family! He who began this good work of the Polczynski family will be faithful to complete it!
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