On Friendship

I sought the Lord today on the matter of Christian friendships and what they are supposed to look like and was blessed, convicted and challenged by what I learned. In our millions of books, the Lord pointed me to a book on our shelves which I had never looked into before (I love when He does that!) and lo and behold, it had an entire section on friendship from a Christian perspective! It's a seminar textbook by Bill Gothard for his IBYC seminars. I'd been steered clear of things by him before because people said he operated in an oppressive religious spirit. While this may be an accurate assessment (I honestly don't know!) I honor him for his extreme clarity and wisdom in presenting the many levels and biblical angles involved in glorifying God in friendships. So, I will attempt to briefly homogenize and pour out all I read.

First and foremost - and this was revolutionary to me, sadly - we should consider every acquaintanceship, every person we meet, as a divine appointment arranged by a sovereign God who desires to form us-and them- into the image of Christ! We should take no interactions lightly! Questions we should train ourselves to inwardly ask upon meeting someone: What are God's purposes in this person's life? How far has he come? What has hindered God? How can I cooperate with God? What can I learn from her? Now, I actually do go through these questions sometimes, more by how I'm wired than by any merit of my own. But I find that when I meet someone with whom I really 'click' I am much less apt to follow through on any of these thoughts beyond the initial meeting, as I'm usually just too busy having my selfish flesh satisfied somehow in spending time with my new friend, and so I lose God's farsighted vision and purpose for the friendship in the first place and usually wind up disappointed or hurt somewhere down the road that two sinful human beings are apt to walk together. Which is sad. I should always proceed in a developing relationship with the solid conviction of the other person's worth to God, wanting to learn what God has for me to learn through interacting with this person and also desiring to help her reach God's potential for her life.

Secondly, I must realize, that as sinners, we all have the working out of our salvation and the completion until the day of Christ things going on in our lives. We're all in process. There are times when I will note an unpleasant trait in a person's character and write them off as unworthy of my time - or too much effort involved. Again, how sad. (Although there are toxic friendships which would be another discussion) The truth is that one of the most important levels of friendship is where we help each other develop Christ-like character qualities. Every negative trait in a person is really a virtue soured. The blessed balm of friendship including the faithful wounds of a friend are the tonic needed to turn the sour to sweet. But how many people allow themselves this level of transparency these days? Almost everyone I know, including me, holds just about everyone else in their lives at arms length. "Not too close!" we say, "Don't invade my space!" And such an attitude snuffs out any chance for revival fires borne out of a biblical friendship. Can you imagine trying to get away with that as one of Jesus' disciples? Well, guess what? We ARE Jesus' disciples!

Then, finally, I think the area he spoke about that hit me the most was regarding seeking out intimate friends (the deepest level of friendship) who have the freedom to tell me what my blind spots are. God has certain norms/standards of morality and sometimes we are caught in a trap of comparing ourselves with our unregenerate past or worse, with others. A person who is in our lives with the liberty to speak into our lives (as all spouses should be to one another) can see things from a different perspective that we may not be seeing! We might think we're doing pretty well, but then our friend comes and holds up God's perfect standard to us, exhorting us to lift our vision higher - and what do most people do when this happens? Get offended and cut off a relationship! Yikes! Granted, a level of intimacy must be cultivated through time and sharing before we attempt such help and many people short-circuit what could've been a long friendship for life by speaking out of turn, before that intimacy and trust has been settled. I've done this more than once, because I just get so passionate about things - but that's about ME needing to express myself, not caring for my friend.

So at what point does a sincere concern for another person become a judgement of them? I really want to end with this as it totally knocked me off my feet. Gothard lists 7 comparative aspects of discernment and judgement and as I looked them over I found that my first impulses seem to err mostly on judging! Lord, have mercy. My husband has a gift of wisdom and so has impulses of discernment, for which I am sooooo grateful!

1.Discernment asks questions until all important factors are understood. "...the honor of kings is to search out a matter." Pr.25:2

Judgement accepts hearsay at face value and forms opinions of motives on a few known factors. "The simple believes every word, but the prudent man looks well to his going." Pr. 14:15

2.Discernment studies all important factors in order to discover root causes for the present problem"...he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears." Is.11:3

Judgement openly shares conclusions with those not related to the solution of the problem. (Otherwise known as slander) "He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame unto him." Pr. 18:13

3.Discernment looks for a comparable problem in personal experience. (I love these next 3 steps - and need to grow in them the most!) 2 Cor.1:4

Judgement avoids personal self-evaluation by projecting hostility toward the offender and his offense.

4.Discernment carefully reviews the steps taken personally to overcome a similar problem.

Judgement has not yet overcome the same problem.

5.Discernment accepts the offender as he is and waits for the right opportunity to approach the problem in a way that will care for the offender.

Judgement fails to differentiate between the sin and the sinner and therefore, reflects a rejection of both.

6.Discernment gains the confidence of the one in need and then shares the steps taken to overcome a similar problem.

Judgement tells a person where he has been wrong without providing direction for a solution.

7.Discernment assumes the responsibility for restoration. (A biggie!)

Judgement reminds God of the shortcomings of the offender. (Me again, "OH, God could you help THEM to see...."

I just see the matter of how we treat people who are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ, sharing the same fellowship of the spirit, pilgrims together on the transient journey toward eternity as a matter of utmost concern for the health of Christ's Body and its members. May we all search our hearts and be willing to let the spirit of God humble us, break us and rebuild us ! Me first! As Paul said in every letter, Grace be with you.